Bye, Felicia!

Out With the Year From Hell and Into the Unknown!

by Andrea Watson | December 31, 2020

So this is the last day of the year. How are you feeling? I’m a little trepidatious. I mean, I have never hated a number before. But 2020 is the worst number ever invented. Nothing but a big wad of Suck in my opinion. But I’m not feeling too confident about next year, if I’m honest. And I think some of you may share this feeling. Now, I’m not trying to get you down. Who knows? This year could bring a lot of good things! So for this post, I’m going to focus on those possibilities instead of the scary ones. I’m not one for resolutions. I think they are a bad idea, generally. But I am one for setting S.M.A.R.T. goals and I am also a fan of self improvement. Check out my post that covers these special goals here because today we are going to talk about personal growth.

Have you made a list of resolutions? Well, I invite you to tear them up, since it is most likely you’ll abandon them soon anyway, and join my circle for some deeper talk. We’re going inner growth here, which means the hard stuff. I’ll start. This upcoming year, I want to work on giving people a chance. Here’s the thing about me: I love my fellow man. I truly do. I want to uplift you and support you and encourage you all. But when it comes to friendships or people who I meet in real life, I often fail and close myself off to people because I think they automatically don’t like me. This is especially true of other women.

So what can I do to get over this? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is meditation. Of course, this is my go-to answer for all personal growth issues. I need a change of heart. Just like Neo in the movie The Matrix, I need to realize the truth; there is no spoon. What I mean by that is there really is no secret women’s alliance who’s number one rule is “We all hate Andrea”. This is all in my head. I am probably misreading the looks I think I get from other women. I probably can talk to them kindly and in a friendly tone, and I probably am a real woman myself. Not sure where all these doubts came from but they are there and I need to break them.

Meditation is a great way to open up new ways of thinking in your mind. With enough honest, reflective meditation (it may take years and that is okay) you can change aspects of your personality into things that benefit rather than hinder you. I know you can do this, I’ve done it before. So in the upcoming new year I am going to focus on taking time for meditation every week, if not every day. I know every day is best, but I often don’t have that option. It’s not a resolution; it is an intention. And hopefully I remember to do it instead of getting lost in letting my son rule 100% of my time.

The second thing I would like to work on is coming to be at peace with my future. I’m 40 years old. Now I’m not saying that’s ancient, but I am in a point in my life where my family members are dying around me, either from age or serious illness. And I’m really not okay with that. I am so fearful of what would happen if I am suddenly the only one left and I have no support system anymore. So I guess what I need (besides comfort and preparation to mourn) is confidence. And I know how to build confidence, I have just never had any when it comes to my mental disorders. This is what I’m truly afraid of; that I will be consumed by my own mind.

How do I move past that and reach for something better? Well perhaps I could first work on getting through the mourning of my mother. She died when I was 14 and I never worked through it, despite the many years of therapy. I think if I could face this and start to heal from it, then maybe I could feel better prepared to face what is coming for me if my sisters all die young and I do not. This all seems very heavy to me as I write it, but I think that’s a good thing. So I need more mental help. It has been hard during 2020 to get that, since the offices have been closed down for most of the year and I am no good at phone stuff. I will just have to suck it up and get me a therapist.

The last thing I would like to work on in 2021 is helping my son through all of the mental stuff he has gone through in the last year. The first thing he needs is to get into a therapist himself. This will be even harder, since play therapy really isn’t done over the phone. Stupid Covid. But I need to look into the options. I need to be a soldier for him and help him to heal and move on from this last year. I need to support him through his unwanted behaviors, especially the ones he reverted to over the last year after having them gone for so long. I need to be more patient and understanding and not get angry at him for doing the things he is doing, since I don’t really understand why he is doing them. I need to learn from his therapist and HI workers to understand and work with him more effectively.

So there is my list for 2021. Not resolutions, but hopeful aspirations. I’m not going to lose 20 pounds on purpose and I’m not going to quit drinking by February (I don’t drink but you get the point) and I’m not going to save up money this year. Well, maybe I could and that would be nice, but I’m not going to resolve to do anything. I am simply going to hope, and take baby steps. Until next time,

Andrea xo