The “A” Word

Coming Out of the Non-Gay but Similarly Terrifying Closet

By Andrea Watson | October 23, 2020

I’m not straight either, though-I’m more pansexual (in case you were wondering because I said non-gay up there). That’s one closet I’ve done been out of for a minute, folks. No. This closet’s name is “addict”, a word I have tried to avoid using because I find it degrading. This is a humiliating, dirty, almost taboo label for a person to bear. It’s socially unacceptable and marginalizing. Plus, there’s always the stigma to deal with. However, I have found that while writing my blog I can’t really be transparent with you about any topic without admitting this to myself and to you. Why not just continue to cover it up? Because that would be a lie. And I don’t lie.

Now I’m not going to go into what addiction is, how it comes to be, or how it’s not the addict’s fault (for serious though, it’s not. Check out the science. And here. And here.)

Now watch this video please, it’s only six minutes out of your day.

I don’t want this to be an argument, which is what it would come to if I tried to jump to the defense here. I’ve provided links to all the scienc-y stuff explaining what addiction is and where it comes from. You choose whether or not to read or believe it. I simply want to share with you a bit of my experience with the “A” word.

“What you need to know first is, it hurts. A lot. I am not an addict because I want to be; I’m an addict because I’m an addict”

Andrea Watson

I can’t put it simpler than that. Before I was 10, I had already tried the cold-syrup trip, the Codeine daze, and the methed-up effects of hardcore, old-school Actifed. It was the eighties and my mom desperately wanted to help me. I forgive her.

So at age 10 I was a pill-popper. I started smoking pot when I was 14, soon after my mother died. By sixteen I was into meth. Over the years I have tried cocaine, crack, mushrooms, acid, opium, molly, and others. Today when I say I am an addict, I do not mean I do all of these drugs. The experimentation phase is over for me. The rest has fallen away and today I am a needle-in-my-veins, getting hospitalized for the damage I deal myself, forget-snorting-and-smoking-shoot-it-up-and-let’s-vacuum-the-yard kind of meth addict. This doesn’t mean I actively use. It only means that the addiction is there. It’s real.

In 2018 I was convicted of a felony; possession of a controlled substance. Of course it was meth. I am now on my third year of felony probation. This by itself sucks, but the consequences of my actions and ergo my conviction have been real big pains in my “A” word.

I can no longer rent a home anywhere I choose, even if I do have the money. My close relationships have been ruined and it is taking a long, hard effort to rebuild them. I can never again be prescribed pain medication because it is in my medical records. I will always be under threat of relapse. My other mental health problems are exacerbated by my addiction. I cannot get a job unless the employer is “felon-friendly”. I can never really trust myself. Maybe that sucks the most of all.

Quitting is always hard, and shooting up is a much bigger monster to battle than anything else I have done. But it is possible. I will never be cured , but I can recover. A lot of addicts say that relapse is all part of recovery and I have found this to be true. I have gone for years at a stretch not using meth. Still, today I’m an addict. To quit you need support. A lot of it. Why not start here? It’s a great resource and has tons of helpful information.

I really wouldn’t wish my addiction on anyone other than possibly my mortal enemy (I know, I have 1 single grudge I hold on to in life. Bad me!) To sum up, what does having an addiction mean? Well, I’ll tell you:

“It means a life of hiding, a life of pain. It means losing; sinking into some black void entirely and being swallowed up as a slave to a substance. It means saying goodbye to your humanity.”

Andrea Watson

And now, my beloved readers, I say goodbye to you until next time. I hope I have done the right thing here by revealing myself to you. Did you know that you help keep me sober? It’s true! You are one of the biggest reasons why I am sober today. So thank you for reading.

Andrea xo