Lost in the nightmare of blah
I haven’t been working on my blog lately. I have wanted to, but I have just been unable to. This is because one day a while back, I was sunk in a deep deep depression and it came to me that I’m just not good enough to write. Oh, it has been my dream since forever to be a writer and I love blogging. But something in my brain just told me that I have no right doing so because I suck so very badly. Now just so you know, this post is not about looking for sympathy. It is simply about expression.
The day that I decided I wasn’t good enough, I spent hours crying because I basically decided to give up on my dream. That never feels good. I still feel that way, and that’s why the title of this post is “I Don’t Know”. I don’t believe it is strongly as I did for the last few weeks. I believe I was wrong, nobody owns writing, I can have some too and the greatness of whatever it is that I write is irrelevant.
I have this burning desire within me to express myself and my experience through writing whether or not anybody reads it. It’s a fire that I can’t put out no matter how depressed I am. And I think that that’s what’s really gotten me through this time. I have spent most of my recent days laying on my depression couch and sleeping the daylight away. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to work and I want to shine and I want to do productive things that make me happy and feel good inside.
I realize that this is going to take a lot of effort. Writing always does. But fighting past depression is always harder than anything else. My mental state has cleared a bit of late. I decided to write this post today mainly to get myself back into writing in an easy, low pressure way. I feel like I need to take it slow and not push myself otherwise I’ll go over the edge again. This has been a very painful time for me, and if nobody finds this post interesting I totally understand because it’s not. It’s just cathartic for me and that’s about it. But if somebody can relate to this, I’m glad.
My goal for April is to write a blog post at least two to three times a week. I want my consistency back. And I want to provide my readers with valuable information. I apologize for this post being about nothing but how I feel, instead of how you can take care of yourself or what you can do to make your life better. I’ve just been stuck on how to make myself happy again. I will see you in April, which starts tomorrow. I will be sure to have a good blog post for you in the first few days of April. Until next time,