Confessions of an Absent Mother

A Love Letter to my Daughter, Whose Life I Have Largely Missed, on Her Birthday

by Andrea Watson | December 7, 2020

I wrote this post originally on 12/05/20 in anticipation of my daughter’s birthday. Then I lost my internet service for most of the month, I just recently got it back. Then I hesitated to post this, because it is deeply personal and includes information I don’t usually share openly with everyone. But I finally decided to post it because it is raw and personal. After all, this is technically a Lifestyle blog, and if I’m not going to talk about my life, then I better change my niche, huh? No thanks. So here we go. Heart on sleeve now I’m gonna look away in shame. I hope someone can relate.

Dearest Lilian,

I cannot imagine that you might believe my words, even as I write them; but I hope you can and I hope you do. Hell, I hope that you just even read this. Life without you has been miserable, and I mean that with every ounce of everything I am.

You were such a beautiful baby, and you have grown into such a beautiful woman. I am so proud of you for what you have accomplished and who you are. If you don’t believe anything else, please believe that.

I want you to know who I am for real, not who your father makes me out to be. I don’t know if that can ever happen, but I hope so. I want you to know that I have not always been a drugged-out junkie. It is true I am a recovering addict, but I have spent far more time sober than I ever have not sober.

When I was part of your family, before your dad and I split, I was NOT using. That didn’t start until after you were ripped out of my life. And that is truly how I see what happened. I was dealing with emerging mental illness and neither of us knew how to deal with it.

Things happened that tore our little family apart. Part of it was my fault, and part of it was not. I have done some shameful things, but I have always been clear headed enough to love you completely. I have always wanted you. I have always loved you. I have always begged the universe to let you be with me.

Unfortunately, I did not get what I wanted, and I need to believe it was better for you that way. You have a good father, and I have been mentally ill for a long, long time now. Since before you were ever born. I have been sick since I was a little girl, but it just got worse when you were a tiny girl.

I have never once wanted to be separated from you. In fact, after your dad came and took you out of Arizona, the loss of you made everything worse for me mentally. I could not handle losing my babies. My psychosis deepened to a frightening level and I was made to use mental health services almost every day of the week, along with lots of heavy medications and hospitalizations.

I realize that so far this letter sounds like I am just trying to excuse myself, but it is not that way. I told you when you were much younger that in the future you would hate and resent me. You maybe didn’t believe me back then. But I told you that I would understand and that I would always love you even when you hated me and I told you I would never expect forgiveness, I would only desire it. That was true then and is still true at this moment.

I don’t expect forgiveness, I only desire it. I want you to understand me, but I know it must be hard to do so, especially with all the hurt I have caused you. A mother’s absence is something that is not easily forgivable; even when they simply die, like mine did, without meaning to leave.

I have always wanted to give you what I could not. I have wanted to give you the ocean, like you asked me for when you were little. I still wish to give you every wonderful and beautiful thing imaginable. I want you to have everything you desire. I know you can make many wishes come true for yourself. You are so strong and independent.

I am so grateful for your sister, who spoke to you on my behalf more than once. I am so grateful to you for who you are. You may not think I know you, but I do know your spirit. You and I were more separated than your brother and sister and I were while I was pregnant, for some reason I don’t understand.

I think it has to do with your uniqueness and independence. During your birth, I slept. The nurses overdosed me on medication and I slept through the labor until it was time for me to push. I have always felt guilty about this, like I did it wrong. I should not have slept. I missed that once in a lifetime bonding experience with you.

Even though you were born this way, I still believe that I know who you are on a spiritual level. I know that a basic part of you is seeking the truth. I know you are trustworthy. I know you like to blaze your own trails. I know that you respect yourself enough to not stay in a broken relationship. I know you are a philosopher at heart and will stop at nothing to find out what is true.

I want you to know that even though I sometimes fawn over you as if you are still a little girl, I respect you as a woman and I know you are completely capable of managing your own life and caring for yourself. I do go onto your facebook sometimes and just look at your pictures. I show you off to my very best friends because I want them to know how wonderful and beautiful you are.

I’m sorry if this creeps you out, I just can’t help but look at you and wish. I hope this letter doesn’t mess up the little bit of connection we have right now. I just want you to know how important you are to me and how difficult it has been living a life without you. I love you forever, no matter what. I like you for always, too. There is nothing you could do to change this. Thank you for being my Facebook friend. Thank you for letting me have your number. Thank you for talking to me. I love you. Happy birthday.

-Azrael